


the thought of you keeps me from drowning

by juliana_ravenclaw



Category: Scorpion (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gambling, Mental Health Issues, Mild Language, after The Promise toby makes, because breaking an addiction is not as easy as 'i swear im not gonna do it anymore', don't come here looking for fluff it's all angst, hella angst, it's Quintis but it's mostly Toby i think, it's just Toby in a lot of mental pain, set after 2x18, sorry - Freeform, v small mention of alcohol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 10:16:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6466426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juliana_ravenclaw/pseuds/juliana_ravenclaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was just one bet... He had been so happy lately, surely that luck would hold when he went down to the bar to bet on the horses. He deserved a night off to celebrate, after all the good work he’d been doing with Scorpion. And what harm was one night? Besides, he wasn’t going to stay for very long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the thought of you keeps me from drowning

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha... isn't it fun when irl emotions help with writing angst... lmao

It was just one bet. One game of cards, one game of craps. 

He had been so happy lately. He had the best job in the world, getting to use his mind to help people and being able to work with his friends every single day. He had people who cared about him; Sylvester, Paige, Walter, Ralph, and even Cabe. And he had the woman of his dreams, Happy Quinn, who had given him a heart-melting smile as he somehow got her to agree to be his girlfriend. He had never remembered another time in his life when he had felt so infinitely joyous and appreciative of all the good things that had come his way. The streak felt like it would never end. 

So surely that luck would hold when he went down to the bar to bet on the horses. He deserved a night off to celebrate, after all the good work he’d been doing with Scorpion. And what harm was one night? Besides, he wasn’t going to stay for very long. 

Two hours passed. He had planned to go home after that, but he had just had such a great win. Plus, two hours wasn’t really that much. He felt good, and another half hour wouldn’t hurt anybody. 45 minutes later and a nagging voice in his brain told him that he should leave. Maybe go visit Happy, see what she was up to. But it was so much easier to act like he hadn’t heard the voice, so much easier to just stay seated. And, really, this was so much fun. 

The games with people were easy. Toby considered his only flaw to be that he won too often; other players thought he was cheating. The constant winning did wonders for his ego, and his dopamine levels. 

The games without people, however, were the exciting ones. It was refreshing to play something that didn’t come so easily to him. It made him work for the reward, his mind attempting to do probability calculations to predict unpredictable outcomes. And there was a certain allure to the thrill of the risk, being able to say ‘fuck it’ after there was nothing more to consider, and picking an option at random and hoping for the best. Plus, the reward was so much more satisfying when he didn’t know whether he would win or not. 

That high was what kept him there until three hours later. The sick feeling in his stomach was pulling him towards the door, urging him get out of there, but he knew the moment he left, what he had done would become real. Maybe if he just ignored the feeling a little longer, it would go away. 

Really, he knew it wouldn’t actually leave. But even when he admitted that to himself, he stayed seated, because now he’d already ruined everything, so he might as well stay there a bit longer. It couldn’t possibly get any worse, and he’d rather put the inevitable off and deal with that problem later anyway. 

It was like a haze, clouding his judgement. He knew he would be kicking himself later, he knew he would have to face the consequences, he knew what he was doing was irresponsible and stupid, so stupid, and totally not worth it. And yet for some reason, the faint high convinced him to keep playing, one more game, one more drink, one more minute. 

He had to stop. He had to stop. He had to stop. He imagined himself exiting the building, just going home. He wanted to go, truly, really wanted to go, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

You have to leave. You have to leave. You have to leave. But he didn’t move. 

Just… just check the time. If it’s past 2am, you have to go. It took all the mental strength he had to simply look away from whatever had been holding his attention and pull his phone out of his pocket. He pressed the home button to turn it on. 

Checking the time was never going to help. Even if it had been 4am, he couldn’t have found the courage to move. But then his phone lit up, and he sees his lock screen photo, and suddenly his favourite picture of him and Happy is staring up at him. 

Happy is almost hiding behind him, camera shy, but he could see the faintest of smiles playing on her lips as she looks into the camera. He looks at his own face, with that ridiculous grin. In the picture, he’s looking at Happy, captivated by her presence, and so far gone. 

He looked at Happy in the picture again, and remembered how much he loved her, and how happy he had been when he took that photo, and ultimately, that’s what gave him the strength to stand up, his chair squeaking as it scraped the floor.

And so he turned off his phone and rushed out the door (much to the dismay of the people he had been playing against), not saying another word, not looking back, not even letting his thoughts stray back to that god-awful place, lest it began to tempt him to go back. He just kept Happy in his mind and doesn’t let that go. 

Just like that, he’s broken free. The sheer mental effort of it has him exhausted, and he feels horrible, because it shouldn’t be that hard to do something that doesn’t physically take up a lot of energy, and technically, it had been really easy to just get up and leave. But to merely find the incentive to do so had been the real challenge. He found it strange, because the thought of Happy had flitted in and out of his mind every now and then. But being in that room had felt so surreal, like he was floating, wandering through the clouds in a fantasy. It wasn’t until he saw the photo that he had come crashing down to earth, the shock of it hitting him like a ton of bricks, giving him the short burst of motivation he needed. 

He couldn’t go home. If he was alone with his thoughts any longer, the devilish voice in his head might convince him to return. So, while he hated to wake her up, he drove over to Happy’s apartment and knocked on the door until she opened it. 

“What the hell, Doc, it’s like 3 am. This better be good,” she says groggily, using an arm to shield her eyes from the light. 

For once in his life, Tobias Curtis was speechless. He opened his mouth and closed it several times, searching for something to say. How could he simply explain that he had failed her, that he had just wasted 6 or so hours and several thousand dollars? How could he put into words the daze he had been in, or the disappointment he felt now that he had woken from it? 

The distraught look on his face said it all, apparently. As soon as Happy’s eyes adjusted and she made out his expression, she was suddenly wide awake, her face serious now, rather than annoyed. “What’s wrong?” she asked him urgently. 

Toby felt like he could’ve broken down right then and there. He must’ve looked it, too, because Happy’s face softened instantly, and Toby thanked his lucky stars that she knew him so well. 

“You’d better come inside,” she decided, and grabbed his hand to pull him in, shutting the door behind them.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah ik it kinda ended weirdly and suddenly but that was all the angst i had left. feel free to continue it for me if you feel like doing that.


End file.
